Words Matter

Words matter.
After everything else is stripped away, all you have is your word. You ARE your word.
You can lift someone up with words of encouragement and affirmation. People can be torn down by words of negativity.
Let me say it again - Words matter.
I've been thinking about this for a while now. About how I want to be a light for people. People who are near and dear to me. My kids. My family. My friends. My friends I haven't met yet. Strangers. and even those who are not aligned with my values.
I want to be a safe place for open respectful discussion. In the political world, we probably won't change each others mind. But with respectful discussion, we might understand each other better and gain more compassion than we had before.
Facebook has given me this "out". I get to be social and hide at the same time. Recovering from years of emotional abuse from my father and my second ex-husband was and is a long process. A process that has me facing anxiety when I don't expect it. Social anxiety. and often not knowing or maintaining my own boundaries. I've done an incredible amount of work these past 10 years. I feel safe in my own skin. Safe enough to hold a safe space for others.
I'm going to move away from Facebook as my main source of interaction. I am not giving it up or stepping away. I will utilize it more as a way to show gratitude, event planning, and sharing of my life. But I am no longer going to be scared to pick up the phone and call you instead of messaging. I will encourage live friendships. Spontaneous get togethers.
Let me say it again. Words matter.
I'm supposed to write. So my intention is to show gratitude for those in my life. By showing tribute when I am touched or remember a fond memory. I want you to know that you had an impact on my life.
So do not be surprised when I call you out of the blue and say, "hi, I've been thinking about you. How are you doing?". Because I really want to know. If there's a chance I do not have your phone number, please send it to me via PM.
I am sitting in this sea of gratitude and I am going to do my best to share this gratitude and acknowledge those who have made a difference in my life. Friends, strangers, acquaintances, blasts from the past and even those from a different era.
So, Words Matter. You never know when you are going to say something that affects someone so deeply that you cause a shift in their life.
This happened to me a couple of weeks ago. I was craving deep conversation and my friend Ryan J. Schoenbeck reached out to me via FB. I had slipped back into this space of resentment for not being able to have the mental space to do all the things that feed me. I was feeling guilty for not being the positive light that I wanted to be. Giving my all to my family and dealing with my younger daughter's depression has been all consuming. And I was carrying the guilt for us all. For not having the perfect Beaver Cleaver family. Feeling guilty for not taking care of myself enough to pour from my cup into my family's. And I tried to explain why I'd been avoiding life. Not showing up on the playing field of life by saying, "I've avoided commitments of any type this last 18 months because of my younger daughter's depression."
The response? "Sounds like you've been really committed the last 18 months."
Words matter.
Ryan - there hasn't been a day that's gone by since you said that, that I haven't felt good about myself and the choices and commitments I've made. In one sentence, a shift happened that allowed me the space to breathe. I am so very grateful for you. Connection and sharing is important. Our stories, our feelings, our words. They matter. I will no longer be scared of connection. Or be afraid of the awkwardness of reaching out. People need connection. it makes us stronger and more unified, no matter what our beliefs. And I believe that by sharing, in person or by voice and written word, we can better this world.
A few years ago, my niece was dealing with a bully. So she wrote on FB almost every day about someone and the good they brought into this world. Every time I read one of her posts, I was uplifted and in awe of this young person's wisdom and thought, "what a fabulous idea! I wish I could do that". But the truth was I wished I would do that. I was scared. Scared of connection. I'm not scared anymore.
So I am offering a safe space for discussion and sharing and caring. Let's be kind to each other. Thank you for being a part of my life. I love you all.
Words matter.

Sing Out Loud

Life Share:  Sing out Loud.

It’s been a week since Granny’s passing.  It’s still sort of a dull shock, even though it had been expected for several years.  She was just so full of life that I can’t imagine that she faded away so quickly.  In Landmark, we are constantly working on our integrity.  That everything boils down to our word.  In my last seminar session, it was so clear and simple.  To be in integrity, if I say that I sing or that i’m a singer, then I sing.  It’s that simple.  All the stories in my head about not being good enough or strong enough or making someone listen to me.  They are just stories.  If I say I sing, then to be in integrity, I sing.

The seminar I am currently in is Causing the Miraculous.  Our homework every week is to have a miracle.  If we don’t have a miracle, to be a space for a miracle to happen.  Granny’s death is a miracle.  A sad miracle.  We only experience birth and death once each in our lifetimes.  Other’s birth’s and death’s, yes.  but only once for our own.  And the only thing that connects the two is our lifetime.

I’ve loved to sing my entire life.  It is at the core of my very existence.  I’ve always had trouble with vulnerability, so I never really shared it’s importance to me.  I’d just find avenues to experience sharing it.  A combination of a comment that my father made about him not really liking female singers (translating to me that he would never like my singing) and a choir director/music teacher that was just a terrible fit for me on a personal level spun a story that was so real that it was fact.  I wasn’t good enough and people having to listen to me would be a burden.  I used to think that I had stage fright.  But it was really just this story.  I love to perform on stage and when I can reach inside me beyond this story, i have no stage fright at all.

I gave a song as a gift for one of my closest friends a few years ago and one of the guests came up to me afterwards and she told me that she really enjoyed the song and that she had heard me practicing before the ceremony.  She had no idea that it was a live song.  She thought it was a professional recording.  I was completely dumbfounded and left speechless.  But in that moment, i started to explore why I thought my singing was a burden to others.

The experience came back to me of taking the songs that I had prepared to sing in church over to my Granny’s and performing them for her.  I was scared and convinced that no one really wanted to hear me sing.  That those that listened to me were doing me a favor.  So I sang quietly.  My Granny was having none of that.  She stopped me in the first chorus, exclaiming, “Good grief Girl!  If you are going to sing, you need to sing out loud!”  She was so matter of fact.  I was ready to run away and leave but she wanted to hear me.  So I sang again.  Louder this time.  She gave me confidence.  And it was something that I could share with her, that I shared with very, very few until later in my adult years.

About 8 years ago, I went on a Walk To Emmaus.  Which is one of the most pivotal journey’s i’ve ever been on in my entire life.  I came away from that knowing why I believed in the faith I did and was able to reconcile it and distinguish it from the right wing bible thumping hardcore heaven vs hell Christianity that is so far from the beliefs I hold.  In the ceremony for the last evening, as I walked in to the praise area, the music team was playing a song called “Remember Me”.  It reached right down into my heart and squeezed.  The thought occurred to me in that moment that my granny would love that song.

When my aunt called me and asked if I’d like to sing a song at the funeral, I said yes without a thought.  Of course I would sing because to be in integrity, I sing.  A process that usually takes me at least a couple of weeks to be comfortable enough with a song to sing in front of other people, I had two days.  I hadn’t even heard the song in years.  I’m also an empath.  I soak up the emotions in a space and process it for the universe.  So when I’m in the presence of tears, I shed tears too.  And this was my granny’s funeral, so I also had my own tears to cry.

So I had another miracle.  I closed my eyes and sang to my Granny, just like i was 14.  I remembered all the words, hit the notes and did not break down in tears during the song.  During the 2 days of learning the song, that had not happened.  I also closed my mind off to the story in my head about how I shouldn’t be able to sing while grieving; that I was cold and unfeeling; that I was wrong for having to keep my eyes closed.  I could feel her presence and knew that I was giving a gift to her, to me, to those that loved her.  I was providing a space for those that came to remember her to grieve while at the same time providing a tribute to her and saying my own goodbye.

As part of my Native American ceremony practice, I do something in honor of the person that has passed for a year.  For my father, I ate a butterfinger on the last Friday of every month.  For my Granny what feels right is to sing.  So I am going to sing.  I will learn a new song every week for the next year.  Not to perform and not to be perfect.  Just to have it to sing.  And I’m working on my sharing, so I’ll share the songs with you and why I chose them.  There was no other individual more comfortable in her own skin than my Granny.  She gave me one of the most powerful lessons in life - Sing out loud.

If you've made it to the end of this, thank you so much for letting me share.

This Is My Life ~ Salvador

Take this night and make it something special
Let me be so bold, to ask for your ear
Take this place and fill me with your presence
We will wait, wait for you right here

This is all I have
But it's all you ask of me

Chorus:
This is my life
This is my soul
And I'll give it to you
No matter the cost

This is my heart
That seeks after you
Lord help me love
More like you do
This is my life

Take my world a simple, misconceptions
Nothing here will ever truly, satisfy my soul
Where brokenness is traded for redemption
It's your hands, that never let me go

This is all I have
But it's all I'll ever need

Chorus:
This is my life
This is my soul
And I'll give it to you
No matter the cost

This is my heart
That seeks after you
Lord help me love
More like you do
This is my life

Then sings my soul
My Savior, God, to thee
How great thou art, How great thou art
Then sings my soul
My Savior, God, to thee
How great thou art, How great thou art

Nourished

Blink,
Slowly Turn,
Cuddle Close.

Stretch,
Soft Kisses,
Slow Smile

Up,
Sunshine,
Greeting the Day

Deep Breaths,
Grounded,
Happy

In Love,
Nourished,
Close.

Nourished.

Celebrate Your Season, Celebrate Your LIfe

Celebrate the Season
Celebrate the Life
Hold close your dreams and realities
Let go of stress and strife

Breathe in the air of nurture
Breathe in the air of love
Hold tight to you heart of faith
From the Earth, beyond above

Listen to the dawn of day
Listen to the calling voice
Spin in free abandon
Let your destiny be your choice

Believe in all that is
Believe in all to be
Accept the care of All who love
Take the hand of the ONE who Sees.

Speak to the trees of peace
Embrace simplicity of it's answer
Leave happiness in beauty you created
Bask in the glow of the spirits you've touched

Celebrate your season.
Celebrate your life.
Take the hand of who awaits
Feel the love washed in purity

Breathe in the knowledge of your purpose
Breathe out the glory of peace
And in that very last breath
You bring peace to you
And Peace will bring you to a cradled death.

Celebrate your season.

Celebrate your life.

It's All In The State Of Mind

While cleaning out my closet today, I came across a little slip of paper with a "poem" on it that has molded my life. My band director used to read it before each football game and each competition we went into. This attitude has stuck with me over the years and reading it now, I have to wonder just how much hearing this so much has made me into the person I am today.

Mr. Steve Van Winkle passed away my sophmore year of college, but I think of him often and am grateful for the things like this that sneak back on me and remind me of the adults that had such a huge inpact. Bless you, Grover. Bless you.

IT'S ALL IN THE STATE OF MIND

If you think you are beaten, you are;
If you think you dare not, you don't;
If you think you'd like to win, but you can't,
It's almost a "cinch" you won't.
If you think you'll lose, you've lost;
For out in the world you'll find
Success begins with a fellow's will
It's all in the state of mind.

Full many a race is lost
Ere even a race is run,
And many a coward fails
Ere even his work's begun.
Think big and your deeds will grow;
Think small and you fall behind
Think that you can and you will;
It's all in the state of mind.

If you think you are outclassed, you are;
You've got to think high to rise;
You've got to be sure of yourself before
You can ever win a prize.
Life's battle doesn't always go
To the strongest or fastest man;
But sooner or later, the man who wins
Is the fellow who thinks he can.

Unknown

My Fabulous Christmas

I blinked.

And I must have done it more than once cuz, December is almost GONE. Blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink!

I must give myself a break though. Birthday season galore here in Sulaland and i'm beat! Birthdays start the first week of December here and there's one just about every four days until Christmas. Including my two wonderful daughters that are a week apart the week before Christmas. But the chaos? It ends on Christmas Day.

I was behind as I normally am. I still have to get the box ready to send to Green Bay and to Albuquerque. At least this year, I actually have the stuff to put in the box this year! So life is good.

Christmas Eve got here and my house was clean, my kids were excited, I got to cook soup (which is one of the main ways that I center myself) and I was looking forward to a Peaceful Christmas Eve with Good Friends.

Absolutely the best Christmas Eve ever. I completely fulfilled my vision of what Christmas Eve is supposed to be like! I had a good mix of friends from several different areas of my life. Several friends who have been a huge part of my support system over the past few years, a friend who can get me laughing in tears with his personality and comments that just rolls out of his mouth before he can do anything about it. and makes no apologies for it. Neighbors stopped by that I adore. A new friend who I'm already holding very dear to my heart. A friend who has been there every time that i've ever needed her. The man who calms me and brings great joy in my life. My kids (and then my kids going to bed early!) and my cousin and her new hubby.

Many of us started the evening off at the Christmas Eve service at NWHills. What a beautiful service. Great music and a great message. It was a packed house and they had to have 6 serving stations for communion! We sang silent night by candlelight. That alone made my heart all warm and fuzzy!

Friends came over, we socialized, we laughed. We drank wine. C made a beautiful fire in the chimenea.

We stood in a huge circle and prayed by song to bless our dinner. We had a shepherds meal of Tortilla Soup and Tamales with LOTS of goodies. Homemade hummus was brought and some yummy yummy bread. Lots of sweets.

I read 'Twas The Night Before Christmas and then the girls went off to bed so that Santa could show up as quickly as possible.

We had a "Gift of Self" exchange in White Elephant format. and there were lots of goodies in the pot! We had a peace ornament, a home cooked meal, lottery tickets (that won!), Tea for Two, a candle, a really cool lotion kit, salt and pepper shakers, a story that included a little girl covered in chicken poop and another with Santa losing his pants in front of a bunch of scarred-for-life elementary kids! And I got a song held near and dear to a friend of mine that sang for us all.

We went outside and enjoyed the fire. We went around the circle and shared what our favorite childhood gifts were. Then we held hands and sang Silent Night.

At that point, the party needed to wind down and all scurried home to sleep well before the excitement of Christmas morning.

New friend E hung around and helped C and I wrap ALL of our gifts! We finished that right about midnight. If she hadn't stayed, we would have been wrapping till 3 a.m.! THANK YOU E!!!!!

After she left, C and I exchanged a gift a piece. The gift from each of us that we wanted to give each other in the solitude of each other. We are happy. (and that's all the details you readers are gettin'!)

Sleep eventually came and the first knock came upon my bedroom door about 7:15. Told them they had could knock again at 7:50. and they did. on the dot. I'm guessing that they stood by the clock and watched the time tick away minute by minute.

We all got great gifts!

L came by a little later and had some breakfast. Then E came by and we carpooled out to L's house for a yummy yummy Christmas dinner of grilled steaks, lots of healthy veggies, bread and lots of Christmas-ey desserts. It was a small enough crowd that we all got to sit at L's table for dinner.

C stopped by for a little while and I received this trickle of gifts all day. It started with a Christmas Eve ornament, then our personal gift exchange, then the opening of Christmas morning, then the one he brought to L's. He only stayed for a little bit and then went on to see his family. One of the best gifts that he gave me, was letting me know without a doubt that he had wanted me to be with him on Christmas. He stopped by on the way home from his dad's to tuck me in. Where I received 2 more presents.

This man GETS me. Every single one of his gifts, made me feel heard and cared for. My favorite though was 4 little rocks that he picked up on his trip to Seattle in June. He gave one to each of my girls, one to me and one to himself. I consider him part of my family. and I see now that he sees himself as part of my family.

At this point, it doesn't matter if our romantic connection lasts a lifetime or not. I know that our connection will last a lifetime. It doesn't matter if we date just each other or if we date other people. It doesn't matter if we are building a life with a place for each other as a partner or if we are collecting precious moments at this phase in our relationship. It doesn't matter what our own personal struggles are in regards to relationships. He is important to me and he is important to my children. and I feel like I am important to him and my children are important to him. This is what matters.

I've had the absolute best Christmas season ever. I got to spend it with fabulous friends, great neighbors, a new friend, two of the best pieces of my family and C. All had a part in fulfilling my Christmas vision.

I am happy. I love my friends. I love my family. I love my life.

I love you all. Merry Christmas!

First Campfire

This is my first campfire.
I started it.
I fed it.
It burns bright.
I am happy.

About two months ago, my oldest daughter had her hands held wide and was spinning in the breeze. It hit me then. She is Air.

I am Earth (that tree thing) as is most of those that I can connect spiritually with. My youngest daughter is Earth. But realizing that Bean is Air as I was watching her spin - Could I get that much goodie out of Air?

So I tried. And I did get a lot of goodie out of spinning in the breeze. At this point I realized that my life in the 4 natural Elements was not balanced. I needed more Fire, Water and Air in my life.

I've been wanting a chimenea for a long time. I now wonder if it was a need of the Fire element, rather than just wanting an outdoor fireplace.

I worked all day to create this wonderful space. I picked out the chimenea. I paid for it and transported it home. I cleaned out the courtyard (see earlier post). And I started my own first fire.


My courtyard is now MY vision. and it's a work in progress, but I have a starting point. Wow. I have a starting point!


Isn't it funny how the tiniest and seemingly insignificant thing can make you feel so empowered?


I am happy.





I had to process a lot of emotions today. Many regarding the breakup with C (sorry C, still love ya!) and how hard it is to be friends at this point that we are in that we have titled Limbo.


God sends us special people to be in our life at points when we need them.


I think with my lesson learned today is another one about balance. And this one is in the manifestation within fire.



Fire is glorious. Much like my friend C. Fire is beautiful and warm and essential to feeding yourself. However, it's hot. Sometimes hot is a good thing. But if you get to close... you get burned. and if you stay too close for too long, then you get burned bad. if the components in the fire are off balance, then the fire could be to hot, burn too fast, smoke too much, or simply burn out.


C and I - we're finding our balance right now. Staying friends after a romantic connection is hard work. But it's important. Limbo is hard. I think the appearance of Fire in my life is telling me to find the balance and enjoy the warmth, but we MUST find the balance.

My friend LD is really enjoying her S'more. Dog Bridey is wondering where hers is!

Got wine. Got friends. Got campfire. Got S'mores. All bases are covered!

Yummmmmm.... found out today that S'mores made with dark chocolate are even better!

Family and friends roasting marshmallows in our very first campfire.

Bu can make herself comfy ANYWHERE!

Happy Bean. Happy Friend.

My friend L. Isn't she beautiful? L, if I haven't told you before what a wonderful impact you have on my life, listen up! cuz i'm telling you now! You ROCK!

L and LD, thank you sooooooo very much for sharing my first campfire with me. it was a wonderful night.

And thank you Rob for virtually participating in my endeavor of cleaning out my courtyard! Having a friend close by during pivotal experiences is important to me. and even though the cleaning of the courtyard may not seem like a huge deal, it was.

It is a step towards a more balanced life within the elements that make us whole.

Life is good.

I am happy.

The Courtyard is MINE now!

I've been wanting a chimenea for about 18 months now. Those that know me well, understand that for me to spend any amount of money over $20 at a time is quite a struggle for me. I'm just cheap. and I hate to shop. and i research and research and research until I find exactly what i'm looking for. and then once I do, I think about it and think about it and think about it. And then... I might buy it if I can justify it to myself.

Well, about 6 months ago I said, "I'm going to buy a chimenea. I'm going to do it." and so the research began. About 3 weeks ago, I was ready to buy! Then I couldn't find them anywhere! I twittered my friends and got all sorts of good suggestions. Then one of them told me of the place on Burnet just south of North Loop. Miguel's Imports. Must do good yelping about Miguel's Imports.

OMG! That place is MAGIC! Any time I need retail therapy, I'm going there!

I stopped by yesterday and looked at them all, compared prices and then left empty handed promising myself that I would come back the next day and leave with one. And I did. I looked at them all again. But the big mouth orange-y sun one won out. So now I have a theme for my courtyard. Sun, trees, frogs and turtles.

Isn't it gorgeous????? I LOVE IT!

************************************************************************

My courtyard was a mess. I've started to clean it a couple of times, but just didn't have the motivation. The courtyard was my ex's domain. He smoked out there and I just didn't go out there. It wasn't my space.

So... two years later and I've finally got it cleaned up enough to call it MINE. I've started to clean it several times, but I just hadn't had a clear picture of what I wanted yet. This is sort of a find myself journey. Realizing that it's not about what anyone else likes or thinks. It's about MY perception of MY perfect space.

So I started with the deleafing. I have a tremendous amount of trees in such a small space. I love them. but they produce a wholelotta leaves. so we started there. I think i carried about 15 buckets full of leaves out of there.

Miscellaneous "stuff" everywhere. All this is now combined into a bucket and placed out of the line of site.

I am soooooooooooooo happy with my Chimenea! and my courtyard! I feel like this is MY space now. and a good space to invite friends over for a campfire.

Now i'm off to buy firewood, wine and S'more makings! Guess what we are doing tonight???

Balance and Breath

She needed Balance, I needed Breath

Since I moved to Austin over 10 years ago, every November I've gotten sick. Sick, sick, sick. And every year it's gotten worse. Last year after coughing for four months straight and having absolutely no voice for two months of that, I finally found out why.



I have Asthma.



It has this detrimental sound to me. Asthma. Allergy and Exercise induced Asthma. All I want to know is - HOW DO I GET RID OF IT????



It's like this downward spiral that i've been struggling with for 10 years. I've gotten overweight because of less exercise and my Asthma has gotten pronounced because of being overweight. At least now I can understand some of the spiral so that I race against it instead of spinning downward.



In June of 2006, I started making changes in my life. Slow changes. Basic changes. Eat whole foods and be more active and you will become the person you want to be. That seems so very long ago now. To date, i've lost 46 pounds. I'm almost halfway to my goal. HALF WAY! OMG. I'm almost halfway to my goal. I did this. All by myself. yeah, it's taken a long time, but I DID THIS.



Ok. Back to the Asthma. I went to Enchanted Rock with a group from my church. A couple that I barely knew. And a couple that have been so pivotal in my life I get overwhelmed when I think of the love that they've shown me.



Now.... Enchanted Rock is a challenging climb UPHILL. UPHILL. I have exercised induced Asthma. I knew I was going to have issues so I took my inhaler. What I wasn't expecting was to feel so good about it when it was all said and done.



I've been working out for the last 2 and a half years and about 6 weeks ago hired a personal trainer to help me get to the next level and bring weight training back in the mix. I used to be extremely active - softball, soccer, cycling, hiking, skating, volleyball, etc.



Short spurts of high aerobic activity were always doable. Constant high level aerobic activity has NEVER been doable. I never understood why. I was in great shape! why couldn't I run like other people. Why would I double over in pain and gasp for breath?



The message I got from my inner self was that I was just not in good enough shape. however, i could never achieve a good enough shape no matter how hard i tried. When I started gaining weight, it was a lost cause. Then it just didn't matter. Until it started to matter.



Climbing up Enchanted Rock was an amazing experience for me. I was prepared to go at my own pace even if everyone else had gone down and up 10 times in the amount of time it took me to get up there. I thought I was going to end up climbing alone. and was fine with that.



Then an amazing thing happened. Number one - one of the guys (okok - the ONLY guy on the excursion) bonded with my children and I ended up getting some true adult time in nature (THANK YOU D! That was an amazing gift!). Then as i'm climbing and starting to get out of breath (and I used my inhaler for the first time out of necessity instead of pre-exercise - wow.... that was sort of scary), my friend L hung back with me.



About a third of the way up, i got really shaky. I just couldn't get enough air. She grabbed my hand and we kept climbing. We took many breaks and I was grateful for the company. She never let go. I was feeling a whole lotta gratitude, but a tad bit guilty for her having to hang back with me. But as I started to encourage her to go on without me, I realized that she was holding my hand because she needed me.



L has had a couple of surgeries the past few years and is currently anemic. Her balance is off and climbing that rock posed a completely different challenge to her. So she needed me as much as I needed her. I was wrapped in gratitude and love for my friend. To be able to give as much as I was taking in complete balance. THAT was magic.













About 2/3rds of the way up, i thought i was just gonna die. I could not get enough air. I would stand still until my heart quit beating so rapidly and my lungs would allow some air to pass through. Then i realized my frustration. My body was willing. I was in good shape and I could have made it up that Rock with out a lot of difficulty if I could have just been able to breathe.



If I could have just been able to BREATHE!!!! It wasn't challenging because I was out of shape or overweight. It was because I couldn't breathe! My body was willing. I could have jumped for joy and squealed in delight and spun in giddiness - except that i couldn't breathe! What a freeing moment that was. The last time I felt THAT good about myself was when I crossed the finish line for the first time in the EDS/MS 150. It was so freeing. My body was willing. I'm still smiling remembering that moment.













At the top of the Rock, we rejoiced in our accomplishment! I was soooooo proud of myself. See the two people that I'm standing in between? These are my friends L and S. Together, they have lost over 360 pounds. That's right, I said 360 pounds. Separately, they have lost over 180 pounds each. How amazing is that? I met them for the first time after they had already completed the first half of their journey. They have always been beautiful people, but the inner joy that shines through them now from their personal accomplishments just makes them glow fiery bright.



These two people have stood by me these last two years. They were my Emmaus sponsors. I didn't understand the unconditional love that goes with sponsorship until i sponsored C this fall. They held my hand during the ickiest part of my life. So icky that I felt I was icky. Even the source of the icky. L showed up at my Discovery class gathering summer before last. I barely knew her then. But she knew me. She'd walked in my path before. In my shoes before. I thought i'd done all i needed to do for myself. I had a therapist, a christian counselor, a Stephen's Minister, an overbooked schedule to keep me busy, close friends, small group workshops, church activities, physical exercise. Had even started to date. I had everything I needed.



She didn't buy it. Told me to go to Rebuilding. I listed everything I had done. She shook her head at me and told me I needed to go to Rebuilding. Now.... those that um, know me - and even those that just sort of know me... When I feel like i'm being pushed to do something, I, um, well, um, sort of dig in my heels. Then I remember with such clarity standing in front of her wondering how the heck i was going to get out of this conversation so I can just get back to my busyness, when she reached into my space and very gently brushed my shoulder and said, "You are doing all the right things to take care of yourself. I can tell. You should go to the Rebuilding class. They have scholarships and childcare. I'll call and get the info for you." She said it so gently and I let down my mask for just a split second and looked in her eyes and knew that this was not a message from her. This was a message from God.





Rebuilding gave me what counseling, physical activity, busyness, and my circle of friends could not. Rebuilding showed me that I was not alone. This was a path for many, not just one. That I was not damaged because I was in such a damaged relationship. That I could rise above the emotional blackmail and abuse I had suffered over the last 10 years. And forgive myself of the actions and lack of actions that I made out of the defense mechanisms.



I met S in rebuilding. About a third of the way into the class, I began to wonder if I hadn't gone through everything I had gone through just because I was supposed to meet her. She is one of the most beautiful people that i've ever met.



I've always had a child-like faith. That no matter how overwhelming the world gets or how much personal trauma we endure, that we will be ok. Simply because everything always turns out the way that it's supposed to be. Feeling unconditionally loved by these two women - that's a pure gift from God.



So when the realization hit that L was leaning on me as much as I was on her, I felt wrapped in warmth and blessed. Going down the rock was a lot easier for me. and a lot harder for L. I think we must have held hands all the way up and all the way down. I'm sure people thought we were much more than just two friends helping each other face their challenges. When that first occurred to me, I thought to myself - I was one lucky gal! That's what friends do when they need each other. They hold each other's hand in support, leaning on each other, zigging to the left and zagging to the right, until they reach their destination and stop to rest and bask in their accomplishment.



Together we gave each other Balance and Breath.





Here are a few more pics of our adventure:

Yummmm! Roasted marshmallows!

Bean says that there HAS to be SOMETHING down there!

Yoga!

Resting! That was quite a climb!

Bu has a connection with rocks. I could tell that she was in her element the entire adventure.

And then there is this.... I'm pretty open about my faith with my children. As quirky as I know I can be, I'm comfy in my connection with Earth and how nature makes me feel more grounded in my Christianity. That even though I follow many Native American beliefs and those of a more eclectic nature, that these bring me closer to God.



I feel closest to God when I am amongst trees. When I place my hand on a tree to bask in the glory of it, to feel it's energy, I feel like i am directly connected to God. By talking to the Tree that I have a direct line to God.



My favorite color is green. If you ask my youngest why my favorite color is green, she will say that it's because it's the color of the trees, the grass and the Earth. They know that trees are magic to me. So what do they do? They collect loose branches and build me a tree sculpture. I think it's the best gift they have ever given me. Even above the Frog Parties!



I hope the tree sculptures are the beginning of a lifetime tradition. and it touches the deepest part of my heart that my children knew where my softest spot was and created a gift out of it.



I love my life. I love my family. I love my friends.



Balance and Breath

Pimp My Locker. Pthhhhhhhhhhbbbbbbbbbbbbbbpt!

In reading this weeks Manic Monday Mission, I was led to believe that I have a locker full of lifes hopes, dreams, and aspirations.

I've been on this two year quest of figuring out just who I am and what it is that's supposed to be in my locker of life. Any other week, I probably could have told you at least one or two points. This was a BUSY week though.

Just a huge reminder that it's so easy to just live in the life of my kids instead of my own.

Other weeks, I have pretty good balance between kids, work, and the rest that is Sula. This week.....

Well, let's just request that if you find my locker, please fill it up with fun and laughter and give it back!

Not yet.

I just don't wanna.

My Face on a Cupcake

Behind This Mask

You cannot see me,
Find me,
Know me,
Not the real me…
I’ll hide behind this mask.

You cannot love me,
Share with me,
Care for me,
Not behind this mask.

You cannot scare me,
Hurt me,
Laugh at me…
Not behind this mask.








Soooooooo..... I'm joining in on the Manic Monday Mission and this is my first one. Should have been quite simple. All I had to do was put my face on a frikkin' cupcake. Did it turn out to be that simple? NO. Not at all.


I thought of all sorts of creative things that I could have done. Except that the lesson about masks in my Rebuilding class wouldn't let any of the other thoughts through.


It was this time last year that we did the lesson. We all got little pumpkins and we had to put our "masks" on the pumpkin. I think a lot of my masks were the same. Masks are not a bad thing. They are who we are on the outside and many times on the inside as well.



But when we've been hurt -- hurt badly, we use these masks to keep people from getting all the way in. Our masks are not our walls. But rather what we hang on our walls that we build up around our heart. It's our way to protect our emotional self without creating concrete walls with no doors. Only those precious few souls that tilt the masks realize that there is no wall behind them.


So here's my face on a cupcake... My three base animal totems that make up the core of ME (Goat, Owl, and Spider) and surrounded by a circle of my masks. If you are interested in your animal totems, read the book Animal Speak.


I think I have a pretty healthy mix of positive and negative masks. The negative ones.... i'm working on. a lot. But then by working on them, i feed into the "busy" mask that I have for myself. I've been struggling with this one for sometime now. I have some direction on the path I want to follow and where I want to land. And hopefully when all the dust has settled from the landing I will find that I have learned that I can Listen and Be Still within the busy life that I have chosen.

Things about Me

I've been avoiding blogging for several months now... Life is busy, blogging makes you dig deep inside, yada, yada, yada.

I thought i'd find one of those easy questionairres from someone's blog to ease back into it. What do I find? A hard, thought provoking one. But looks to be a good one.

So.... Here we go!



Ten Random Things About Me
10: My animal totem is made up of Goat, Owl, and Spider.
9: I miss my Dad.
8: I like quiet private walks.
7: I’ve been run over by a car.
6: I have stage-fright. Yet I love to sing and speak in public.
5: I won’t eat meat off of a bone.
4: Once I start laughing, I don’t really remember how to stop.
3: I talk to trees.
2: My greatest spiritual gift is a child-like faith.
1: I sing to pray.

Nine Places I've Visited
9: Albuquerque, NM
8: Boston, MA
7: Salem, MA
6: Akumal
5: Xtapa
4: Puerto Vallarta
3: Cabo San Lucas
2: New Orleans
1: Toledo Bend

Eight Things I Want to do Before I Die
8: Own my own home
7: Play recreational soccer again
6: Get my Master’s Degree
4: Go on a two week excursion alone
3: Experience a White Christmas
2: Find the right life-time partner
1: Learn to meditate

Seven Ways to Win My Heart
7: Make me laugh
6: Do little acts of service without me asking
5: Hold me tightly
4: Share energy with me
3: Allow me time to myself and invite me to share time with you
2: Hear me
1: Allow me to love you for who you are, as you are… and love me for who I am, as I am.

Six Things I Believe In
6: Synchronicity
5: We always land where we are supposed to be
4: If we listen, we will hear.
3: God is in all things.
2: Overall Balance is the Key
1: Where words fail, music speaks.

Five Things I'm Afraid Of
5: Falling
4: Trains
3: The situation with particular members of my family
2: Not being seen or heard
1: Losing myself

Four of My Favorite Items in My Bedroom
4: Quiet
3: Open windows
2: Candles
1: (Purposely deleted - e-mail me if you REALLY wanna know)

Three Things I Do Every Day
3: Sing
2: Contemplate life
1: Find peace and gratitude

Two Things I’m Trying Not to Do Right Now
2: Worry about tomorrow
1: Live in the future or the past

One Person I Want to See Right Now
1: My true self

A Step Away From Clarity

My house is in utter chaos. It's beyond utter chaos. It'll take me a week to get it partially cleaned up. Why? Because I retreated to my mom-cave (aka bedroom with a lock) for almost 5 hours today. About 3 1/2 was spent in napping mode.

I have the sweetest, kindest, devious, mischievious children. The destruction two little girls can create when I take some time for myself is incredible.

Today was worth every second.

I thought I was just laying down for a couple of minutes. I woke up 3 hours later from a disturbing dream. One of those that you know you are on the verge of a moment of clarity but didn't quite get there.

So I layed there in the quiet with sunshine streaming through my windows and all I did was think.

In most areas of my life it's time for me to move on to the next level. How did THAT happen???? When i fell asleep, I was content with where I've landed in life so far (Lord knows I had to work extra hard the past couple of years to get to where I am today). When I woke up, it was a sense of, ok..... now what?

The world is mine. I can be anyone that I want to become. I am free. How scary is THAT?

I have Bean and Bu. I have an awesome village. I have a great core group of lifetime friends (although many of them are several hours away). I have the FABULOUS A-Moms. I have my Rebuilding support group. A church and church family that is my spiritual home. I have my family. Both my family by-blood and my heart-family from my previous marriage. Debbie and Betty who are both friend and family. Carla who is both cousin and incredible friend. Marc.

So how did I wake up this afternoon in this moment of life-changing clarity?

I can't be my whole self until I'm willing to share my whole-self. I can't love as completely as I want to completely love... until I allow myself to be loved as completely.

Heart growth. Clarity. I think i'm ready. Breathe. I'm ready.

I have to give myself completely back to music to be able to hear the song inside me.

"Where Words Fail, Music Speaks"

There's an old MWS song that I hardly ever listen to that was playing in my head when I woke up.

Give It Away
Michael W Smith

She asked him for forever
And a promise that would last
He said, babe, you know I love you
But I can't commit to that
She said love isn't love
'til you give it away
A father lived in silence
Saw his son become a man
There was a distance felt between them
'cause he could not understand
That love isn't love
'til you give it away
You gotta give it away

Chorus:
As we live
Moving side by side
May we learn to give
Learn to sacrifice

We can entertain compassion
For a world in need of care
But the road of good intentions
Doesn't lead to anywhere
'cause love isn't love
'til you give it away
You gotta give it away

(Chorus)
Love is like a river
Flowing down from the giver of life
We drink from the water
And our thirst is no longer denied
You gotta give it away

There was a man who walked on water
He came to set the people free
He was the ultimate example
Of what love can truly be
'cause his love was his life
And he gave it away
You gotta give it away

(Chorus)

Asthma????

So..... I'm been sick since November. FREAKIN' sick. I get this way every year that I forget to start taking clariten the week of Thanksgiving when they bring all the Christmas trees to town and shake all the pollen in the air. This is the fourth year in the 10 years I've lived in Austin that it's happened. where I cough so hard that I throw up. (not a pretty picture).

So I go to the doctor, can't get in to see my doctor because that never happens on a "that day" appt, but another nice doctor gave me some antibiotics for my "sinus infection". That was last Thursday. I went back to the nice doctor on Monday. I got the same doctor as last time but still didn't get to see my doctor (who i had a set appt with that coming Thursday). He gave me a stronger antibiotic. I swear that thing is HUGE! I keep expectig it to get up and scurry away!!!! so that anti-biotic is working now.

I go to my wonderful wonderful doctor (who is about to have twins) and I come away from her with FIVE shiny new prescriptions. FIVE. and she is a doctor who doesn't like to prescribe a lot of meds. must've been script happy since she's about to go on maternity leave! haha...

Anywho. Turns out I have asthma. I've never been diagnosed with it before because it's irritated by allergies and excercise. I didn't have allergies until I moved to Austin and I used to be so out of breath when doing aerobic excercise that i just didn't do it. I lifted weights or did water aerobics instead. In PE in jr high and high school, I took marching band. so it wasn't an issue. but I have always shyed away from any long running sports. I did manage to play soccer, but it was short bursts of running that I can handle and the same with base ball. I did biking in my early twenties, but I would easily get heavily winded and just slow down to a leisurely pace.

So, I have an inhaler (me likes the inhaler...), Flonase, and she told me that Clariten wasn't anywhere near strong enough for me so I am now on Singulair. I've been on that regimen for one day and I already feel a ton better. I've had a couple of coughing fits today and used my inhaler and WOW. I can't believe I've been living with this freaking cough through allergy season for year after year!

My other two scripts... We talked a little bit about before. I've had insomnia for as long as I can remember, so i've been taking Ambien for it. From Dec last year until August of this year, i had to take it every night. Since August I take it maybe 5 times a month. so it's a LOT better. but I'm supposed to always have it on hand, so yea!

The other one... it's time for me to be weaned off the Zoloft. I told her that I wanted to talk to her about staying on it long term because I was a lot less irritable and i didn't get sick, dizzy and nauseous when having to talk in front of a large group of people or sing in front of people. I was a music major for 5 years and finally just walked away from it all because of the stage fright. (i know.... seems sort of weird for me to say I have stage fright). A lot of times I could control it if all the stars were aligned and I was fully concentrating on it. But with the Zoloft, I didn't have the stagefright at all. so I asked if I could stay on a lower dose forever.

Turns out, the Zoloft is what she thinks made me plateau in my weight management last year because the plateau happened right when we hit the highest dose. So she switched me to something in the same family that I will stay on indefinately. Something called Citalopram. I switched straight over, so she said i might be slightly irritable for a week or so with headaches, etc. oh joy. But I do feel good about staying on something, because truth be told, even before this past year when I decided I should get on something to control the anxiety, I was extremely moody. I could often control it around people, but the range of emotions that I would experience would tear me apart. The recent discussions on my mommy's newsgroup on this topic really helped me make this decision and it really is the right one for me. I'm one of those that hates to take medication, hence coughing until my insides are on the outsidefor two months before I'll take myself to the doctor.

So for all of my friends and my village who have shared a piece of their most private thoughts and fears, thank you. You've helped me make a decision that will make my life a lot better.

My next step will be getting my children tested for it, since both of them have that SAME cough, but I can usually zap it with kid's clariten. If they have it like I do, I do not want them to be almost 40 before they find some relief!!!!

Hot and Bitchy

So.... Looking back now at my pre-children life I see my previous self as being Hot 'n' Bitchy. I've been joking with someone about my hotnbitchy days, but I guess now it's time to decide who i want to be.

There are many of us who are in the struggle with some aspect of our physical life. Mine, like many, is my weight. I look back at my pre-kid pics and wonder how oh how did I get here. You'd think that years of chasing after two little fireballs of endless energy would keep me in shape. I think many of us think the same thing. But I think that unless we are making a concentrated effort on living a "well" life, then our poor bodies take the brunt of it.

I believe in karma. Do I have weight issues because I wasn't as nice as I should have been when I was younger? because I wasn't the most honest or understanding second half in my relationships? because I giggled at others while people watching?

A year ago, I began this "Three-year plan" of getting the ME back that I was. But i'm not sure I want to be the same ME! I like to think that i've learned how to be a good friend. a good samaritan. an active participant in my Village. That my spiritual walk has shown me the way to be truly happy and physically well.

I'm doing the work. At my last visit with the doctor, I had lost 36 pounds since Nov of 06. I didn't allow pictures taken of me back then, but my friend Crystal shot one at a gathering when I wasn't looking. I go back often and look at it just to remind myself of how far that I have come:http://aff-the-fang.blogspot.com/2006/08/passetyme-with-good-companye.html

I also go there because she has such an awesome way of putting words to what our little group is about. 36 pounds from that. sheesh. I knew it would be a long road when I started, but it definately helps to go back and look.

Where I am today (well, a couple of months ago):

This year my goal is 30 pounds. then 20 in 2009. That I hope will bring me back to looking something similar to this:

My Motivational Photo

Now labeled: Hot'n'Bitchy

But I don't want the old attitudes to come back with it. Is that why it's taken me so long to start this journey??? I like the person I am today. and i'm even more comfy with my body today than I was when that pic was taken.

I have a plan for the physical wellness.

I gave up diet pepsi (oh how i miss you dp)

I eat mainly whole foods (except for Healthy Choice and Lean Cuisines for convenience sake)

I drink mostly water and a lot of it

I exersise by going to the gym and coaching soccer. this year i even hope to play a little.

and I'm still working on the "get enough sleep" point.

A year ago, I started this quest for self thinking it was all about the physical. but it's really about doing the work so that my spirit has a healthy place to live. How many of us are terrified of the same thing. That if we do the work to make ourselves like ourself on the outside, that we'll still like ourself on the inside???

So, I'm putting it out there for all the world to see, so that I have a place to go back and read about my fears. Because it is a fear. I want to be a good person - inside and out.

and on that note, i'm going to go work on my "Point 4: get enough sleep"

Good night self.

And keeping with the theme...

The most beautiful place on earth (to me anyway).

Aunt Billye's backyard. I have that special thing for trees. ;-)

Rocking Chair Row (is this a cool pic or what????) This the family enjoying the afternoon of my Uncle James' 80th bday party.

The most beautiful creature on earth

The Whale Shark.

I don't remember where I stumbled across it, but I had never heard of it before this summer. Now I can't get enough of this creature and I'm discovering many people besides me had never heard of it.

So... Here it is. The most beautiful creature on earth. (to me) The Whale Shark.

Photos taken by Rob Hughes ( http://www.flickr.com/photos/robinhughes/128323518/ ). I already contacted him to see if I could get a print of the top one. It doesn't print out well in a large print. Too bad for me!

Some Things You Just Have To Post

Thanks to Robin for sending me this. I needed it today!


Happy IVGLDSW Day! Today is International Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman's Day, so please send this message to someone you think fits this description. Please do not send it back to me as I have already received it from a Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman!

And remember this motto to live by: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"


Have a wonderful day !

To the Girls !!

- Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened.- Cora Harvey Armstrong

-Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies.(Unknown)

- The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.-Helen Hayes (at 73)

- I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. ?I think of them as stray eyebrows.- Janette Barber

-My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first one being -- hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. - Erma Bombeck

-Old age ain't no place for sissies .-Bette Davis

-Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart - Caryn Leschen

-If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. -Catherine

-I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.- Roseanne Barr

- Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.-Eleanor Roosevelt

-Send this to five bright women you know and make their day. When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over!!