Balance and Breath

She needed Balance, I needed Breath

Since I moved to Austin over 10 years ago, every November I've gotten sick. Sick, sick, sick. And every year it's gotten worse. Last year after coughing for four months straight and having absolutely no voice for two months of that, I finally found out why.



I have Asthma.



It has this detrimental sound to me. Asthma. Allergy and Exercise induced Asthma. All I want to know is - HOW DO I GET RID OF IT????



It's like this downward spiral that i've been struggling with for 10 years. I've gotten overweight because of less exercise and my Asthma has gotten pronounced because of being overweight. At least now I can understand some of the spiral so that I race against it instead of spinning downward.



In June of 2006, I started making changes in my life. Slow changes. Basic changes. Eat whole foods and be more active and you will become the person you want to be. That seems so very long ago now. To date, i've lost 46 pounds. I'm almost halfway to my goal. HALF WAY! OMG. I'm almost halfway to my goal. I did this. All by myself. yeah, it's taken a long time, but I DID THIS.



Ok. Back to the Asthma. I went to Enchanted Rock with a group from my church. A couple that I barely knew. And a couple that have been so pivotal in my life I get overwhelmed when I think of the love that they've shown me.



Now.... Enchanted Rock is a challenging climb UPHILL. UPHILL. I have exercised induced Asthma. I knew I was going to have issues so I took my inhaler. What I wasn't expecting was to feel so good about it when it was all said and done.



I've been working out for the last 2 and a half years and about 6 weeks ago hired a personal trainer to help me get to the next level and bring weight training back in the mix. I used to be extremely active - softball, soccer, cycling, hiking, skating, volleyball, etc.



Short spurts of high aerobic activity were always doable. Constant high level aerobic activity has NEVER been doable. I never understood why. I was in great shape! why couldn't I run like other people. Why would I double over in pain and gasp for breath?



The message I got from my inner self was that I was just not in good enough shape. however, i could never achieve a good enough shape no matter how hard i tried. When I started gaining weight, it was a lost cause. Then it just didn't matter. Until it started to matter.



Climbing up Enchanted Rock was an amazing experience for me. I was prepared to go at my own pace even if everyone else had gone down and up 10 times in the amount of time it took me to get up there. I thought I was going to end up climbing alone. and was fine with that.



Then an amazing thing happened. Number one - one of the guys (okok - the ONLY guy on the excursion) bonded with my children and I ended up getting some true adult time in nature (THANK YOU D! That was an amazing gift!). Then as i'm climbing and starting to get out of breath (and I used my inhaler for the first time out of necessity instead of pre-exercise - wow.... that was sort of scary), my friend L hung back with me.



About a third of the way up, i got really shaky. I just couldn't get enough air. She grabbed my hand and we kept climbing. We took many breaks and I was grateful for the company. She never let go. I was feeling a whole lotta gratitude, but a tad bit guilty for her having to hang back with me. But as I started to encourage her to go on without me, I realized that she was holding my hand because she needed me.



L has had a couple of surgeries the past few years and is currently anemic. Her balance is off and climbing that rock posed a completely different challenge to her. So she needed me as much as I needed her. I was wrapped in gratitude and love for my friend. To be able to give as much as I was taking in complete balance. THAT was magic.













About 2/3rds of the way up, i thought i was just gonna die. I could not get enough air. I would stand still until my heart quit beating so rapidly and my lungs would allow some air to pass through. Then i realized my frustration. My body was willing. I was in good shape and I could have made it up that Rock with out a lot of difficulty if I could have just been able to breathe.



If I could have just been able to BREATHE!!!! It wasn't challenging because I was out of shape or overweight. It was because I couldn't breathe! My body was willing. I could have jumped for joy and squealed in delight and spun in giddiness - except that i couldn't breathe! What a freeing moment that was. The last time I felt THAT good about myself was when I crossed the finish line for the first time in the EDS/MS 150. It was so freeing. My body was willing. I'm still smiling remembering that moment.













At the top of the Rock, we rejoiced in our accomplishment! I was soooooo proud of myself. See the two people that I'm standing in between? These are my friends L and S. Together, they have lost over 360 pounds. That's right, I said 360 pounds. Separately, they have lost over 180 pounds each. How amazing is that? I met them for the first time after they had already completed the first half of their journey. They have always been beautiful people, but the inner joy that shines through them now from their personal accomplishments just makes them glow fiery bright.



These two people have stood by me these last two years. They were my Emmaus sponsors. I didn't understand the unconditional love that goes with sponsorship until i sponsored C this fall. They held my hand during the ickiest part of my life. So icky that I felt I was icky. Even the source of the icky. L showed up at my Discovery class gathering summer before last. I barely knew her then. But she knew me. She'd walked in my path before. In my shoes before. I thought i'd done all i needed to do for myself. I had a therapist, a christian counselor, a Stephen's Minister, an overbooked schedule to keep me busy, close friends, small group workshops, church activities, physical exercise. Had even started to date. I had everything I needed.



She didn't buy it. Told me to go to Rebuilding. I listed everything I had done. She shook her head at me and told me I needed to go to Rebuilding. Now.... those that um, know me - and even those that just sort of know me... When I feel like i'm being pushed to do something, I, um, well, um, sort of dig in my heels. Then I remember with such clarity standing in front of her wondering how the heck i was going to get out of this conversation so I can just get back to my busyness, when she reached into my space and very gently brushed my shoulder and said, "You are doing all the right things to take care of yourself. I can tell. You should go to the Rebuilding class. They have scholarships and childcare. I'll call and get the info for you." She said it so gently and I let down my mask for just a split second and looked in her eyes and knew that this was not a message from her. This was a message from God.





Rebuilding gave me what counseling, physical activity, busyness, and my circle of friends could not. Rebuilding showed me that I was not alone. This was a path for many, not just one. That I was not damaged because I was in such a damaged relationship. That I could rise above the emotional blackmail and abuse I had suffered over the last 10 years. And forgive myself of the actions and lack of actions that I made out of the defense mechanisms.



I met S in rebuilding. About a third of the way into the class, I began to wonder if I hadn't gone through everything I had gone through just because I was supposed to meet her. She is one of the most beautiful people that i've ever met.



I've always had a child-like faith. That no matter how overwhelming the world gets or how much personal trauma we endure, that we will be ok. Simply because everything always turns out the way that it's supposed to be. Feeling unconditionally loved by these two women - that's a pure gift from God.



So when the realization hit that L was leaning on me as much as I was on her, I felt wrapped in warmth and blessed. Going down the rock was a lot easier for me. and a lot harder for L. I think we must have held hands all the way up and all the way down. I'm sure people thought we were much more than just two friends helping each other face their challenges. When that first occurred to me, I thought to myself - I was one lucky gal! That's what friends do when they need each other. They hold each other's hand in support, leaning on each other, zigging to the left and zagging to the right, until they reach their destination and stop to rest and bask in their accomplishment.



Together we gave each other Balance and Breath.





Here are a few more pics of our adventure:

Yummmm! Roasted marshmallows!

Bean says that there HAS to be SOMETHING down there!

Yoga!

Resting! That was quite a climb!

Bu has a connection with rocks. I could tell that she was in her element the entire adventure.

And then there is this.... I'm pretty open about my faith with my children. As quirky as I know I can be, I'm comfy in my connection with Earth and how nature makes me feel more grounded in my Christianity. That even though I follow many Native American beliefs and those of a more eclectic nature, that these bring me closer to God.



I feel closest to God when I am amongst trees. When I place my hand on a tree to bask in the glory of it, to feel it's energy, I feel like i am directly connected to God. By talking to the Tree that I have a direct line to God.



My favorite color is green. If you ask my youngest why my favorite color is green, she will say that it's because it's the color of the trees, the grass and the Earth. They know that trees are magic to me. So what do they do? They collect loose branches and build me a tree sculpture. I think it's the best gift they have ever given me. Even above the Frog Parties!



I hope the tree sculptures are the beginning of a lifetime tradition. and it touches the deepest part of my heart that my children knew where my softest spot was and created a gift out of it.



I love my life. I love my family. I love my friends.



Balance and Breath