Ok. time to journal about my frustrations. I haven't been sharing with you ladies like I should be, so it's time.
This is going to be short and not-so-sweet because i think it'll take me a few entries to process all my thoughts.
Everyone remember about the saga of the brain tumor this summer while IN (short for IdiotNuts) was in Cali? So that was August.
Since then he's:
* Pulled the Suicidal Card.
* Went through full testing for Hodgekin's Disease
* Suggested that he had lung cancer and went through full testing for that.
* Said that sometime's he falls down and can't get up (yeah, yeah. i chuckled at that one too)
* And now.... He's being tested for Lupus.
That's just what I need. For him to have a disease that can't really be fully diagnosed. To quote a special person in my life, "I doubt he has a disease in which 90% of those afflicted with it are women and affects minorities more than caucasians. But, Hey. He's always been a special guy." Everytime I read her response I am pulled back into reality at just how full of drama he is.
Oh. and let's not forget that just in the time that I've known him, he was bipolar, had PTSD, went through emdr therapy to manage his traumatic childhood (huh????), had been sober for 15 years, got drunk for 2, and now sober for 4. Had full neurological testing for Epilepsy/Petit Mal seizures. Had PTSD for being abused in his first marriage. Consistently depressed. and on blood pressure medicine.
I'm too embarrassed to even write much more. I consider it nothing less than a miracle and a divine intervention that got me outta there.
Friday, February 22, 2008
Four Things
Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Cosmetician
2. Executive Director of Non-Profit
3. Corporate Trainer
4. Technical Recruiter
Four movies I've watched more than once:
1. Grease
2. Medicine Man
3. Phenomenon
4. Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
Four places I have lived:
1. Red Oak, TX
2. Denton, TX
3. Austin, TX
4. Plano, TX
Four T. V. Shows that I watch:
1. Lost
2. Criminal Intent
3. Numbers
4. American Idol
Four places I have been:
1. Akumal
2. Ixtapa
3. New England
4. Puerto Vallarta
Four People who e-mail me regularly:
1. A-Moms
2. Debbie
3. Marc
4. Carla
Four of my favorite foods:
1. Cheese
2. Spinach
3. Mushrooms
4. Chipotle Tacos
Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Wow. I like where I am. In bed (asleep)?
2. Angola, IN
3. Center, TX
4. with a new friend....
Four friends I think will respond:
1. Crystal
2. Denise
3. Dy
4. Angela
Four things I am looking forward to in the next 12
months:
1. Cousin Carla's wedding!
2. Driving out to Santa Fe for a week with the girls to see Milstead family
3. Both girls being at the SAME school!
4. Phase two of MBA
1. Cosmetician
2. Executive Director of Non-Profit
3. Corporate Trainer
4. Technical Recruiter
Four movies I've watched more than once:
1. Grease
2. Medicine Man
3. Phenomenon
4. Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
Four places I have lived:
1. Red Oak, TX
2. Denton, TX
3. Austin, TX
4. Plano, TX
Four T. V. Shows that I watch:
1. Lost
2. Criminal Intent
3. Numbers
4. American Idol
Four places I have been:
1. Akumal
2. Ixtapa
3. New England
4. Puerto Vallarta
Four People who e-mail me regularly:
1. A-Moms
2. Debbie
3. Marc
4. Carla
Four of my favorite foods:
1. Cheese
2. Spinach
3. Mushrooms
4. Chipotle Tacos
Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Wow. I like where I am. In bed (asleep)?
2. Angola, IN
3. Center, TX
4. with a new friend....
Four friends I think will respond:
1. Crystal
2. Denise
3. Dy
4. Angela
Four things I am looking forward to in the next 12
months:
1. Cousin Carla's wedding!
2. Driving out to Santa Fe for a week with the girls to see Milstead family
3. Both girls being at the SAME school!
4. Phase two of MBA
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Now I'm in a huff.... Hmmmmmmmp!
This article starts off asking, "what would you do if you were worth 22 billion?" "Man building 1 billion dollar home"
Here's the article:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/01/29/richest-man-in-india-buil_n_83910.html
My first comment: HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMP!!!!!!!!!!
This kind of stuff just plain pisses me off. 'scuse my french. I think of all the hours that i've put in since middle school thinking that I could personally make a difference in the world. Do you have any idea the good that could be done with a billion dollars? Who needs to live in a 27 story house????? OMG. I'm so pissed, I can't even write. I'll have to update later.
HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!
Here's the article:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/01/29/richest-man-in-india-buil_n_83910.html
My first comment: HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMP!!!!!!!!!!
This kind of stuff just plain pisses me off. 'scuse my french. I think of all the hours that i've put in since middle school thinking that I could personally make a difference in the world. Do you have any idea the good that could be done with a billion dollars? Who needs to live in a 27 story house????? OMG. I'm so pissed, I can't even write. I'll have to update later.
HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!
I'm a Nymph!
Okok. We all knew that already... No comments from the peanut gallery needed.
What type of Fae are you?
What type of Fae are you?
Sunday, February 17, 2008
GiggleFest
There are many moments as a parent that you think, "Wow, I love being a parent." (yeah, yeah, there are lots when you say something else too....) but then there are those rare moments that you know you are going to hold on to forever. Not because it was a precious moment. Not because your ultra-smart kiddo said something profound. Not because at that moment you are sure that your kid is going to become president someday.
No... not because of any of those.
But because you can't stop giggling at an occurence that you are going to tell the story of for the rest of your life.
Bu and I had one of those today. I've been stressed because I have sewing stuff all over my living room. I'm trying to finish a project quickly so I can clean the mess up. Bu kept talking and interupting me. So I gave her one of her valentine lollipop's to shut her up. She was happy and went on to start an art project.
About 5 minutes later I hear a blood curtling scream that only Bu can pull off. She had lost her lollipop. I thought I would blame it on the dogs, but the little dog was put away and the big dog had been laying peacefully at my feet.
I needed a break so I went on a lollipop hunt with Bu. We looked EVERYWHERE. In the fridge, in the art supplies, all her hidey holes and even the bathroom. then she turned around and there it was.
A heart shaped lollipop stuck on her butt. I've been laughing so hard since that I just can't get a breath.
When I started laughing she got upset, so i pulled it off and said, "you had it the WHOLE time." She said, "Thanks Mom!" Stuck it in her mouth and literally skipped off back to do her art project.
I'm still giggling. a lot.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Maybe I should rename the blog....
Something like "Surviving-We-Three-Thanks-To-Drugs.com
Really. Of all the things in this world there is to talk about (and those who know me well, know I like to talk a LOT), I want to talk about drugs again. Actually, I just want to talk about one. Citalopram.
I feel normal again on this drug. Yeah, yeah. none of us are normal. but I feel normal for me. When I was on the Zoloft, I was highly numbed. And I've always been a little empath, soaking up feelings from all around me. That's why the Zoloft was so good for me this time last year.
The Citalopram lets me feel again. The whole range of emotions that I know I'm capable of! I got ticked off at a friend last week and told him so. Got into a very personal debate with another friend and he got me worked up enough to stand up for myself on the issue at hand. And then the latest Austin tragedy happened.
The little 7 year old boy at NYOS passed away from his injuries. I didn't know him. or his family. but he has a mom that lost a little boy. A little boy that is very close to the age of my oldest daughter.
15 years ago, I worked at a company called FFE. Where I met one of my dearest friends (who sometimes reads this blog). We worked with a lady whose mother had been in the hospital on dialysis. You know those certain moments in life that you will just never ever EVER E-V-E-R forget? She sat in the cube next to mine. I heard her phone ring. Heard her answer. and then the world stood still. She let out the most pained, sad, blood curtling "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" I've ever heard. Her mother had passed away. We were all in her cube within seconds. She collapsed in our arms, but I'm sure she didn't even know we were there. She had just had her heart pulled out of her, a piece cut out of it and then shoved back in her for her to learn how to make it beat again without the guidance of her living mother.
I can see, hear, even smell and taste that day with full clarity. i remember crying for weeks from the pain of this co-worker. It would hit me at odd times. still does on occasion, but I relate another event with that feeling now.
Four years ago, on Good Friday, I got a call similar to that. But I wasn't expecting it. My father had passed away. My father whom I had been estranged from for the last 13 years that I had been talking about THAT very morning about how I was ready to try again to mend the fence. I heard that blood curtling "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" but this time it was MY voice. and it was MY heart that was ripped out, stripped of my living father and shoved back in me where I had to deal with all the baggage of never making up with my Dad.
There are those moments that you just don't forget. With these moments, all the emotions flood back at once.
When I went on the Zoloft, I couldn't even bring back that emotion. i was that numbed. Great for a while, but around June/July I was ready to feel again. By the time my doctor was ready to wean me off, the holidays were hitting, so we postponed until the beginning of the year. Then I figured out the stage fright thing (see Asthma post), so we switched to Citalopram.
I'm 100 percent sure that Citalopram lets me have the full range of my feelings.
Yes, I'm sad for the little boy's family.
But what I feel is for my friend who has a little girl at that school. When she was pregnant with her now 6-year old, her (I think 5-year old) daughter drowned in a backyard pool. When that dawned on me that she's having to deal with the loss of a classmate of her daughter's PLUS having to relive all those feelings of losing a child. There are no words. All I can do is sit here and type aimlessly with tears streaking down my face.
and pray for peace. For my friend and her daughter. for the school. for the family who has to figure out how to live without seeing their little boy grow up.
There are just no words.
Dear friend described above - you know who you are. I think about you and your family every day. I pray for strength for your family as you have to deal with all the feelings that had to have risen above the surface again. I cry for you. You are well-loved.
Virtual hugs. Real tears.
Really. Of all the things in this world there is to talk about (and those who know me well, know I like to talk a LOT), I want to talk about drugs again. Actually, I just want to talk about one. Citalopram.
I feel normal again on this drug. Yeah, yeah. none of us are normal. but I feel normal for me. When I was on the Zoloft, I was highly numbed. And I've always been a little empath, soaking up feelings from all around me. That's why the Zoloft was so good for me this time last year.
The Citalopram lets me feel again. The whole range of emotions that I know I'm capable of! I got ticked off at a friend last week and told him so. Got into a very personal debate with another friend and he got me worked up enough to stand up for myself on the issue at hand. And then the latest Austin tragedy happened.
The little 7 year old boy at NYOS passed away from his injuries. I didn't know him. or his family. but he has a mom that lost a little boy. A little boy that is very close to the age of my oldest daughter.
15 years ago, I worked at a company called FFE. Where I met one of my dearest friends (who sometimes reads this blog). We worked with a lady whose mother had been in the hospital on dialysis. You know those certain moments in life that you will just never ever EVER E-V-E-R forget? She sat in the cube next to mine. I heard her phone ring. Heard her answer. and then the world stood still. She let out the most pained, sad, blood curtling "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" I've ever heard. Her mother had passed away. We were all in her cube within seconds. She collapsed in our arms, but I'm sure she didn't even know we were there. She had just had her heart pulled out of her, a piece cut out of it and then shoved back in her for her to learn how to make it beat again without the guidance of her living mother.
I can see, hear, even smell and taste that day with full clarity. i remember crying for weeks from the pain of this co-worker. It would hit me at odd times. still does on occasion, but I relate another event with that feeling now.
Four years ago, on Good Friday, I got a call similar to that. But I wasn't expecting it. My father had passed away. My father whom I had been estranged from for the last 13 years that I had been talking about THAT very morning about how I was ready to try again to mend the fence. I heard that blood curtling "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" but this time it was MY voice. and it was MY heart that was ripped out, stripped of my living father and shoved back in me where I had to deal with all the baggage of never making up with my Dad.
There are those moments that you just don't forget. With these moments, all the emotions flood back at once.
When I went on the Zoloft, I couldn't even bring back that emotion. i was that numbed. Great for a while, but around June/July I was ready to feel again. By the time my doctor was ready to wean me off, the holidays were hitting, so we postponed until the beginning of the year. Then I figured out the stage fright thing (see Asthma post), so we switched to Citalopram.
I'm 100 percent sure that Citalopram lets me have the full range of my feelings.
Yes, I'm sad for the little boy's family.
But what I feel is for my friend who has a little girl at that school. When she was pregnant with her now 6-year old, her (I think 5-year old) daughter drowned in a backyard pool. When that dawned on me that she's having to deal with the loss of a classmate of her daughter's PLUS having to relive all those feelings of losing a child. There are no words. All I can do is sit here and type aimlessly with tears streaking down my face.
and pray for peace. For my friend and her daughter. for the school. for the family who has to figure out how to live without seeing their little boy grow up.
There are just no words.
Dear friend described above - you know who you are. I think about you and your family every day. I pray for strength for your family as you have to deal with all the feelings that had to have risen above the surface again. I cry for you. You are well-loved.
Virtual hugs. Real tears.
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