A Step Away From Clarity

My house is in utter chaos. It's beyond utter chaos. It'll take me a week to get it partially cleaned up. Why? Because I retreated to my mom-cave (aka bedroom with a lock) for almost 5 hours today. About 3 1/2 was spent in napping mode.

I have the sweetest, kindest, devious, mischievious children. The destruction two little girls can create when I take some time for myself is incredible.

Today was worth every second.

I thought I was just laying down for a couple of minutes. I woke up 3 hours later from a disturbing dream. One of those that you know you are on the verge of a moment of clarity but didn't quite get there.

So I layed there in the quiet with sunshine streaming through my windows and all I did was think.

In most areas of my life it's time for me to move on to the next level. How did THAT happen???? When i fell asleep, I was content with where I've landed in life so far (Lord knows I had to work extra hard the past couple of years to get to where I am today). When I woke up, it was a sense of, ok..... now what?

The world is mine. I can be anyone that I want to become. I am free. How scary is THAT?

I have Bean and Bu. I have an awesome village. I have a great core group of lifetime friends (although many of them are several hours away). I have the FABULOUS A-Moms. I have my Rebuilding support group. A church and church family that is my spiritual home. I have my family. Both my family by-blood and my heart-family from my previous marriage. Debbie and Betty who are both friend and family. Carla who is both cousin and incredible friend. Marc.

So how did I wake up this afternoon in this moment of life-changing clarity?

I can't be my whole self until I'm willing to share my whole-self. I can't love as completely as I want to completely love... until I allow myself to be loved as completely.

Heart growth. Clarity. I think i'm ready. Breathe. I'm ready.

I have to give myself completely back to music to be able to hear the song inside me.

"Where Words Fail, Music Speaks"

There's an old MWS song that I hardly ever listen to that was playing in my head when I woke up.

Give It Away
Michael W Smith

She asked him for forever
And a promise that would last
He said, babe, you know I love you
But I can't commit to that
She said love isn't love
'til you give it away
A father lived in silence
Saw his son become a man
There was a distance felt between them
'cause he could not understand
That love isn't love
'til you give it away
You gotta give it away

Chorus:
As we live
Moving side by side
May we learn to give
Learn to sacrifice

We can entertain compassion
For a world in need of care
But the road of good intentions
Doesn't lead to anywhere
'cause love isn't love
'til you give it away
You gotta give it away

(Chorus)
Love is like a river
Flowing down from the giver of life
We drink from the water
And our thirst is no longer denied
You gotta give it away

There was a man who walked on water
He came to set the people free
He was the ultimate example
Of what love can truly be
'cause his love was his life
And he gave it away
You gotta give it away

(Chorus)